The Man-Cry Movie

Guys cry while watching movies sometimes. We all know it; most of us don't like to talk about it. But I'm not ashamed! In the interest of taboo-breaking, therefore, I am listing a few nominees for the Man-Cry movie hall of fame.

Now, I am not talking about anything resembling a full-on sob fest here. If there is any man reading this who spends his Saturday nights curled up in a ball on his couch, with his knees tucked underneath his oversize t-shirt, eating a whole carton of Ben & Jerry's, sobbing uncontrollably to movies like Sophie's Choice or Thelma & Louise or some other movie I haven't seen but I assume is of the tear-jerky chick flick variety--this is not acceptable behavior! Why don't you put on a dress and paint your toenails too, you girl!

No, I am referring to the Man-Cry. The Man-Cry is silent, and consists of a few involuntary downward mouth twitches and a general moistening of the eyes and/or sinuses. Sometimes during a particularly heavy Man-Cry a few actual tears will develop; this should be kept to a minimum. (Sometimes when this happens, I like to let one tear escape and fall all the way down one side of my face, and pretend someone is dumping out their trash in my living room.) The Man-Cry almost always happens at the end of movies, so the recuperation period is very short. If/when a Man-Cry is interrupted by your roommate coming home at the worst possible time, the best trick is to immediately turn on ESPN and pretend like you were just dozing with your face all mashed into the couch cushions, which is why your eyes are all red and puffy.

Now, my top 5 Man-Cry movies, in no particular order:

The Shawshank Redemption -- I'm still not entirely sure I've ever seen the first half-hour of this movie, but thanks to TBS and TNT I know the end pretty much by heart. If I ever become a Hollywood director/producer guy, I will have Morgan Freeman narrate all of my movies. You can't go wrong. How much less shitty would Flight of the Phoenix have been if it had Morgan Freeman saying lines like, "I hope the Sahara is as brown as it has been in my dreams" instead of Dennis Quaid being an asshole?

Iron Giant -- The first and only time Vin Diesel will ever make me cry for any reason other than his acting "skills".

Braveheart -- "FRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!" Fuck yeah! Also, I just had the greatest idea ever. I think the world is ready for Morgan Freeman to narrate movies with a Scottish accent. This has to happen. Just imagine the line "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'" with a Scottish accent. Go on, do it. I'll wait.

Flight of the Phoenix -- The movie was just that horrible. Plus, I only had four, and nobody's ever made a "top four" list of anything.

And finally...

Rudy -- Goes without saying. The end is sort of the grown-up version of William Devane's "Let them play!" from Bad News Bears Go to Minute Maid Park or whatever that movie was called.